Furnace
by Klitch
Summary: Even a thousand worlds away, Fai can still hear the heartbeat.


**Furnace**

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to CLAMP. Hail.

Author's Notes: This is...odd, but I kinda like it. What happens when you put Neko Case's 'Furnace Room Lullaby' on repeat.

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Fai warmed his hands and listened to the heartbeat. It was long after dark and he was awake and the basement was dark and cold. The only light, the only warmth, came from the small iron furnace Fai stood before.

_it was a cold night and he'd known far colder, Celes in perpetual winter but never this quiet, never this dead, in the night the wind always howled but his coat was warm_

No one else was awake. He'd watched them as he slipped out of the room above; woken by the heartbeat he could always hear, always feel. Three worlds away, a thousand, he could always hear Ashura's heartbeat in the dead of the night, driving him on.

_cold nights always cold nights in Celes, and he'd slip away to warm himself by the fire, wrapped in the long soldier's coat and settle in a chair to hear the wind howling, with a cup of something hot in one hand and a girl like a doll curled up beside, innocent face and silky ears, a warm pet, warm companion, always a warm fire_

Fai liked to watch them sleep, sometimes, when the heartbeat woke him. Sakura slept like a bird, flitting about, she'd roll on her side and smile a little, and hug Mokona to her chest like a stuffed toy. Sakura asleep at night was different than Sakura asleep during the day when her strength gave out. Then she was just a body, a doll, even with the smile, she was like nothing asleep. When she fell asleep on her own she was warmth and feathers, and something more comforting. Fai would never disturb a Sakura asleep on her own, not when there was so much to her.

_he would sit by the fire and drink the outside warmth and the comfort and perhaps then the king would arrive, always sculpted like the ice and he'd never know what to think but the smile because he'd always smile, the king liked that smile and everything the king liked warmed with the liking_

Syaoran did not sleep. Fai could see it. He was strange asleep, more frightening asleep, something awake that shouldn't be awoken. Sometimes it was a worried alertness, hovering over Sakura with eyes closed but everything tense, ready to protect her at all costs. And then other nights, he would be an empty asleep, alert but not, cold eyes that could be felt even behind closed lids, some sort of not-Syaoran that made everything curl up inside Fai and made him want to move away, to be alert, to be on guard like the other sleeping Syaoran.

And only once, Fai had seen Syaoran sleep. It had been a long leisurely day, a slow walk in search of a feather with Sakura by Syaoran's side and he'd been tired and relaxed with her hands on his. That Syaoran had slept long and comforted, slept light and innocent and it had made Fai want to wake Sakura to show her, because he knew it would make her happier than anything to see.

He hadn't woken her, or him. The heartbeat was in his ears again and he awoke in a sweat and went outside to watch the stars and drown the noise out with the moon and the wind.

_there would be never be warmth in the king's hands, not even when his touch was light, but there was warmth in his breath and his lips and his tongue and in everything inside, and Fai would curl into it and let it consume him, would offer his own up in return _

_take this warmth, take all of mine, take it and change it and take me and change me and promise me or I won't be able to breathe so far down so far so deep in the dark so take the small fire I have and keep it because it is all I have to give you, all I have of worth, so take this that is all of me, because I give it freely_

Kurogane was the only one who saw him when he left the room they all were sharing. Kurogane usually saw him, because Kurogane slept like a ninja. He would seem so asleep, so quietly and so deeply, like nothing could wake him, and then Fai would stir and cross the floor on silent feet and without looking he _knew_ that Kurogane was awake. Even if the ninja's eyes were closed and his breathing even, Fai could feel him. Kurogane always knew his movements. It was his business to know, Fai supposed. Kurogane was a ninja; Kurogane knew to anticipate a sneak attack. Even if Kurogane's eyes never opened, he would be awake and knowing, and it made Fai's skin itch to think it, even if he wasn't sure why.

Sometimes he tried to wake up and look without moving, to try and catch Kurogane asleep and vulnerable. But laying in the dark so long and watching, the heartbeat drove him mad and he was always on his feet before he could get a good look at Kurogane's sleeping face. And then he wasn't sure if he wanted to see that anyway, because he was afraid that Kurogane's sleeping face would only be a reflection of the one under the ice and the heartbeat would ring in his ears and he would choke on the blood building in his throat.

_the king was colder than before even though he had taken all this warmth, the king was bitter and twisted and angry and it was all Fai's fault even if he'd had no choice, and now the only choices ended in death, they had no warmth left between either of them, no breath, no fire, just the ice raining down and water above and below, just cold words blown away by the wind, no choices but death _

_I won't choose that I won't choose that I have given you all that I could and can give no more nothing left of me but I can't bear not to hear that heartbeat anymore too deep too dark and I've nothing left but this_

When Fai slept, he slept deeply and didn't dream, because he knew that if he dreamed he'd drive himself mad with it. So he'd smile and curl into the blankets, bury his face in the pillow to drown out all the sounds and he'd be nothing until morning. Those were the easiest nights, when he was nothing.

And then there were nights like this night, when he woke with a heartbeat burning his ears and thundering through his head, always steady and threatening and hopeful, all at once.

_I'm alive I'm alive I'm here I'm here_

Each beat was a word, each beat was a promise, each beat was a reminder of what he had done and what he had been, and what would someday come to pass.

_sweet dreams sweet dreams I have nothing left to give you but these dreams I'll have none and send them all to you so sleep deeply and softly and be warm under the ice because that is all I have left to offer you you've taken everything else I've given all I can I've nothing left but the promise I couldn't break and the thing I couldn't do so take these dreams and dream deeply of better days _

_hate me don't hate me but this is all I have and please dream and dream and never wake, because these dreams are the best gift I can give you I have given you everything and would have given you more than everything if I could so please dream forever and be warm with it_

His own heartbeat was drowned out by the sounds and it seemed he couldn't move, could only stand by the furnace and watch the fire's glow. Above, he could hear his companions sleeping, he could hear the wind outside, the creak of the floors as they settled and above all the steady heartbeat that would never end. He collapsed in upon himself, wrapped in the coat and the whispered reminder of deeds done and choices made and it seemed that there was nothing left of him but that heartbeat, that heart that refused to let him rest, the heartbeat that he hated more than anything and feared more than anything and prized above all else.

_I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive_

Fai did not move from the basement until morning.


End file.
